fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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