my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
