Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
