Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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