I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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