I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
