I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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