There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
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4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
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Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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