I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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