You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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