Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
