yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
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