haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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