Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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