Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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