apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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