I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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