does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
