the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
