i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
