what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
