I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
