I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
