Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
