Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
