I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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