Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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