if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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