I've blown a few things in my day
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
you never un-have a 4some
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
