I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
