I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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