Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
