Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
