i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
