You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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