Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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