On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
