I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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