I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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