She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
