someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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