There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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