I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
