Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
