Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.