ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor