I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
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This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar