The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
