Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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