I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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