im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
