today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
