Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She told me I should be a condom model.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
