it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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