I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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