If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
