dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
two words: eviction party
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
