Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
