i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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