if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
