What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
foreskin is a definite game changer
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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