What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
