I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
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I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
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Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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