So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
