my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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