I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
