my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize