i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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