He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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